Maureen's Commandments
"I did think out most of my rules ahead of
time and then wrote them down in my private journal.
Father had warned me that I had no moral
sense;
therefore it would be necessary to anticipate
decisions I would have to make.
I could not depend on that little voice of
conscience to guide me on an ad hoc basis;
I did not have that little voice. Therefore
I would have to reason things out ahead of time,
forming rules of conduct somewhat like the
Ten Comandments, only more so,
and without the glaring defects of an ancient
tribal code intended only for babaric herdsmen."
-Maureen Johnson, TSBTS
1. "Thou shalt pay
public homage to the god favored by the local majority
without giggling or even smiling behind your hand."
2. "Thou shalt not
make any graven image of a sort that could annoy
the powers that be, especially Mrs.
Grundy"
3. "Thou shalt not
takethe name of the Lord God in vain...which means
don't swear, not even Jiminy or Golly or Darn, or use any of those
four letter words, or anything that Mother might consider vulgar."
4. "Go to church on
Sundays. Smile and be pleasant but don't be too
smarmily a hypocrite...support the church by deeds and money,
but not too conspicuously."
5. "Honor thy father
and mother where anyone can see you.
But once you leave home, live your own life.
Don't let them lead you around by the nose."
6. "Thou shalt not
commit murder, murder is killing someone wrongly.
Other forms of killing come in several flavors and each sort must
be analyzed."
7. "Thou shalt not
get caught commiting adultery...and that means
don't get pregnant, don't catch a social disease, don't let Mrs.
Grundy
even suspect you, and don't let your spouse find out ...[ or ]
tell your husband what is biting you, ask his permission,
ask for his help, ask him to stand jigger for you."
8. "Thou shalt not
steal. I couldn't improve that one, Father"
"Would you steal to feed a baby?
[There are] other exceptions...but it is a good general rule."
9. "Don't tell lies
that could hurt other people, but since you can't
guess ahead of time what harm you lies may do, the safe rule
is to not tell them at all. I do have one special case.
Don't tell fibs to Mother lest thy mouth be washed out with lye
soap."
10. "Why is there
a rule against coveting your neighbors wife,
but not a word against coveting your neighbor's husband?"
11. "Don't get
caught."
12 and 13 are never listed.
14. "Thou shalt keep
thy secret places as clean as a boiled egg,
lest thou stink in church."
Unnumbered:
"Open thy mouth, only if thou planneth to open thy limbs"
"Thou shalt always live within thy household allowance."
"Thou shalt not let thy children see thee cry."
"Promises must be kept, especially ones made to children.
So think three times before making one. In case of tiniest doubt,
don't promise."
"'When I was still quite young my father
said to me, 'My beloved daughter, you are an amoral little wretch.
I know this, because you take after me; your mind works just the way mine
does. If you are not to be destroyed by your lack, you must work
out a practical code of your own and live by it.'
I thought about his words and felt warm and
good inside.
"Amoral little wretch-" Father knew me so
well.
'What code should I follow, Father?'
'You have to pick your own.'
'The Ten Commandments?'
' You know better than that. The Ten
Commandments are for lame brains.
The first five are solely for the benefit
of the priests and the powers that be;
the second five are half truths, neither
complete nor adequate.'
'All right, teach me about the second five.
How should they read?'
'Not on your tintype, lazybones; you've got
to do it yourself.'"
Maureen Long quoting her father Ira Johnson
in
To Sail Beyond the Sunset
If you have found any of Maureen's commandments
that I may have missed, please email
me.
